Where Honesty Never Ends.
Before proceeding any further, this disclaimer must be put up:
Now that all of this is out the way, let’s get into the groove. For this particular segment of The Review Board, we’d like to introduce our old friend: Miss Ova Veugh!
Ova: What it is!
Unleashed: Why hello there, Ova! Love what you’ve done with the hair. Special occasion?
Ova: Miss Mini said there was to be a throwback party of some sort. I wanted to stay in character.
Unleashed (rubbing chin): I see. Well, I’m just waiting on some refreshments and then we can get started.
Truth (rushing in): Sorry guys! Lost track of time. Got the Isle of Jura for Harmony. White wine for myself and No Labels. Dr. Pepper for you, Miss Ova Veugh. Cheese, crackers, fruit and chocolate as well! Ova Veugh don’t you look smashing!
Ova: Yeah baby, yeah!
Unleashed: Look is this The Review Board or The Time Machine? Let’s get on with it!
Ova: Of course! It is a great pleasure to have with me three ladies of TRB–Harmony Kent, Mini Truth, and No Labels Unleashed. All of them have plenty to say on Terra’s Nite Out. This is amazing to me, considering how short this work is.
Kent: Thanks so much for bringing the whiskey. (wonders how Mini Truth knew it was her favorite) Yes, this is the shortest ‘book’ I have ever been asked to review.
Unleashed: From a TRB standpoint, yes. For my Kindle App Random Robin, the shortest was half a page. Mr. Controversy made mention of it and actually covered it in his 2nd segment of The Corners of Controversy.
Truth: This book is only 17 pages long, and MERCIFULLY SO!
Ova: Interesting! Before going further, let’s get filled in on the premise. Also, why was book put in quotes?
Truth: Terra is looking for a good time on the town and to make some memories–of the sexual sort. Yup. That’s it. That was the entire idea behind this story.
Kent: Basically, the main character, Terra, goes to a party full of Hollywood stars and has sex with as many people as she can, including a threesome with a male and female couple. That’s it.
Unleashed: Yes–what they said.
Kent: The reason the word ‘book’ is placed in quotes is because it breaks every writing rule in existence. Wow. A record. There is no plot, no character development or depth, no beginning, middle or end, and no point to it.
Ova: That’s quite a loaded statement. Anyone care to elaborate?
Unleashed: I’m going to save some of my statements until a little later in the review–if you don’t mind.
Truth: For your info (and everyone else’s), I AM NOT A PRUDE, and I LOVE a good erotica. As the matter of fact, erotica (the good kind) is always at the top of my list as far as preferential reads. With that being said, this book “Terra’s Nite Out” goes down in my personal history of Books That I Fully Unequivocally Loathed!
This book is meant to be of an erotic nature, which by definition means that it’s supposed to wake up your arousal. Well, as far as I’m concerned, it trampled my arousal like a horde of raging bulls, stampeding atop my desire, breaking, destroying and shattering every bit of lust I may have ever experienced with it. In a word, this story was a flat out DISASTER!
Ova: Hmm…is this the part where the Unleashed one starts her elaboration?
Unleashed: Wow! Am I really that predictable? The first thing that caught me off guard was the actual cover of this work. Even if the author just wanted to use the eyes, couldn’t the title of the work and her name be placed on the graphic? Even if she was (and I’m not saying the author is) unable to afford any fancy photo shop or photo editing software, there is always Paint (which comes on most computers…at least all the ones I operate). There is also online photo editing software (Pixlr, FotoFlexer, Lunapic, and many more) that will allow you to add text to the picture, save, and then reload it. The very image that is up there is the same that is currently on Amazon and Goodreads. If it’s a place holder for an updated cover in the future, I wish that would have been stated somewhere in the blurb. With it looking the way it is, it just seems a bit incomplete.
Ova: So, an incomplete electronic book cover? What else?
For voice mail, press 1. Syntax, press 2.
Unleashed: Ova the best way for me to put this in perspective is to perform this reenactment. If you will permit me some liberties:
General Great Read
Words from the General: Yeah, we need the strongest arsenal possible to converge upon Terra’s Nite Out. Spell check: front and center. Misused and misplaced words, directly behind him.
Exclamation Point Militia
Exclamation points–assume the formation. This threat must be eliminated as soon as possible!
Where spelling, grammar and punctuation have gone astray,
Here we come to save the day.
Where misplaced modifiers are used too much,
Just call on us–we’ll kick their butts!
Proofread and edit work multiple times:
Don’t let this simple fix be a continuous crime!
Yes, I made up that dilly on the fly. Already copyrighted. The freestyle basically covered what I wanted to say. Each page was littered with obvious errors that could have been corrected had the author taken the time to read this work an additional time before submitting it for publication as well as review.
Truth: This book was a holocaust of syntax. It was just plain BAD! There was not a single page that did not need some sort of editing.
Tense inconsistencies. You’ll find time and time again, where the author mixes past with present tense.
Kent: There are a fair few typos and missing words—yes, even in this short offering. The proofreading and editing are non-existent. The tense constantly switches between past and present, even within the same sentence. The writing is passive and shallow. Comma splices abound. Sentence construction is poor; take the following as examples:
“He reaches out his hand and she takes it, and shaking inside.” Ookaay …
Next: (obvious typo) … “She’s moaning and writing, unable to control her orgasm.” The word required is plainly “writhing”—my thoughts upon reading this were: “Well, at least someone’s writing!”
Ova: The bare components were sorely lacking. Let’s talk about the writing style. I think Harmony believed it was “passive and shallow”. Truth and Unleashed, did you want to add?
Truth: Unemotional, one denominational writing to the highest degree. Here is something to help you form a picture.
Think of a horny 13/14 year old boy. Now, imagine that said boy isn’t the most fluent in literature yet has a desire to write about his fantasy. All right, now that that image is formed in your mind–THAT is what this book read like. It’s the epitome of an immature, undeveloped, adolescent mind writing erotica.
Unleashed: In this work, Terra wasn’t the only one that had a night out. Exclamation points, italicization, and capitalization went with it. Here’s what I mean. (Apologies in advance if get a bit too revealing in my candor.)
For me the essence of good erotica is making me feel as if I’m there. I’m either holding the video camera as the participants switch positions, or I have binoculars and am zooming in on the action. What can I say? My voyeur must have satisfaction! Plus, my imagination is mad vivid. The dialogue HAS to match the action!
If a guy is wearing out my vaginal wall, would I say “Oh, f@ck” as if I’m in some type of business meeting? If I am saying it like this, I guarantee the guy is hitting nothing but air. Also if a guy has me near orgasm, would it be displayed as: “Oh sh*t. I’m cuming.”? That doesn’t sound like the nutting of champions to me!
The author should have definitely used more exclamation points to indicate the level of excitement in these sexual escapades, along with sprinkles of full capitalization and italicization:
“Oh, sh*t! I’m CUMIN’!!!” (That is how I know that guy is doing work!)
Those boring old periods don’t tell me anything. It’s like watching paint dry. White paint at that.
Ova: Now that was vivid! How about the characters?
Truth: Here are a few passages that flat out TICKED ME OFF:
“She uses her lips to coax his co** further into her eager wet mouth. Soon, she has 6 of his 10 inches filling her mouth.”
First I need to say this: the guy that the author is talking about here is a black man. This is important and you’ll see why when I’m done with this.
Secondly, WHO THE F*CK has a 10 inches penis?!?
Unleashed: Apparently some male porn stars do. But I guess you speak of the average guy. I have some more to add on that front but I will wait until you’re done.
Truth (continuing): “She opens her mouth wide, enjoying the feeling of Al’s d**k abusing her throat. ‘Don’t c*m yet.”
The above implies that she was talking while having a penis shoved down her throat. REALLY?!
After that the next guy, who happens to be white, has a 9 inch penis. And, the last guy who is Indian, Mexican and Scottish has a 6 inch penis.
Let me explain NOW why this was important to mention.
Is it just me, or do y’all see the blatant stereotyping here?!
Then there was:
“He pushes her on the bed and takes her panties off. She opens her legs, showing him her glistening c**t. He gets on toper of her and spreads her with his monster c**k.”
Um. What the f**k is a “toper”?
Look guys, without completely trashing this book (which I may have already done–sorry!), I have got to say this…
As I was reading through it there was only one consistent thought, and that was “SHOOT ME!! PLEASE, SHOOT ME NOW!!”
Ova: Hold on! I have some breaking news I’d like to share:
*Mr. Controversy has looked up the word “toper,” and has discovered that it is INDEED a word! Toper, in the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines the word “toper” as a hard drinker or chronic drunkard. The sentence would read as follows: “He pushes her on the bed and takes her panties off. She opens her legs, showing him her glistening c**t. He gets on a chronic drunkard of her and spreads her with his monster c**k.”*
Unleashed: Ova, thanks for that. Even with this rendition, it still doesn’t quite sound right. Moving on. I want to address what Truth was just saying. In addition to being hot, my erotica has to be believable.
You know that saying “Don’t talk with your mouth full”? Well, same rule applies if a long stick is in there. In the “abusing her throat” statement, it sounds like he has the instrument pretty well planted. Even if he doesn’t, there’s a thrusting type motion going on, so anything being said would be garbled–borderline unintelligible.
Also D’s being big on a female is yesterday’s news (regardless of ethnicity)–unless you’re Barbie. Trust me, I’ve been a D before. If you really want to see some jaw droppers…(oh never mind! That’s for another time and another site–let’s stay on track, shall we?)
Another component of Terra’s Nite Out was that the author relied heavily on stereotypes. This glamorization of a particular part of the male anatomy took some of the spice out of this write and stunted each individual’s development:
Black guy has ten inches of equipment. Terra (who is white by description) wants to test said equipment. The next gentleman (white guy with piercings and tats) is smaller than the black guy (nine inches). The gentleman of mixed heritage is six inches. If the author is going to use stereotypes at least describe the men beyond their appendages to make my panties wet.
Speaking of the average sized schlong, here’s some info that may interest you: Average Penis= 5.7 inches (when erect).
I know guys with big ones who need an instruction manual. I know guys who are “average length” that can make some toes curl. Bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. It’s all about how you use it.
This author focuses more on implementing action than giving any real style or coherence to the characters. It just felt like she just had Mr. Happy as a template but just adjusted him for length, skin tone, and additional adornments (like tattoos and piercings).
Ova: Looks like Harmony is still savoring her whiskey. I will allow Miss Mini to do a full improvement recap before I ask for verdicts.
Truth (summary of areas for improvement):
1.The author really needs to go back and edit, edit, edit! THIS is EXTREMELY important!
2. I also think that it’s important to incorporate more emotion into the story. What most people do not realize is that women and men turn to erotica because it is meant to provide an emotional connection to their desires. So whereas watching porn you get visual fulfillment, reading erotica provides an emotional connection to that lust.
This is an aspect that is completely lacking in this story.
3. Stereotypes are just NOT COOL! I believe that the author needs to find a way to rework this aspect of the story.
4. My last suggestion is that the author perfects her craft prior to publishing. The delivery of the prose is just extremely lackluster and feels undeveloped and amateur.
A good idea would be to write, write, write AND read, read, read. The more you read and write, the better you get at developing your craft. So, before opting to publish, practice.
Ova: Well put! It’s verdict time!
Kent: I’ve never given a zero review before, but here we are. I have also never written such a damning review … again here we are. I wouldn’t read another work by this author if you paid me. This is the sort of thing (sorry, I just can’t call it a book) that gives indie publishers and writers a bad rep. It is utter drivel and should never have been published. When I post this review I will have to give one star so that the rating registers, but—believe me—it is a zero rating. My sincere apologies to the author but, Quanah Edwards, you really do need to learn the art of writing. And you really shouldn’t be rating your own books; that really is bad taste. (And yes, you have just warranted two “Really’s” in a row). Especially when you give yourself five stars! Truly, this book struck ‘Terra’ into my heart, and not in a good way.
Truth’s Verdict: .5 out of 10
Truth: I would not read another book by this author if it were the last book on earth. I’d rather watch TV. Maybe some cheesy porn.
Like the kind where the pizza delivery guy says “Hey. Did you order a pizza?” (Insert psychedelic funk music here), then shags the “unsuspecting” girl.
0.5 TRB stars! I’m sorry. IT WAS JUST PLAIN BAD!!!
Unleashed: This work would be appealing to someone who wants to read a recycled porn script of sorts. I don’t think it really fully computes as the type of erotica that (1) should have been published due to the multiple errors in visual presentation in such a short write and (2) the type one pays ninety nine cents for. There are full blown novels that are going for that price yet are better crafted than what I have seen here.
It all boils down to this:
Well displayed dialogue + vivid descriptions and dimensions of characters= Panty soaking and grab-a-sex-partner (or a vibrator) erotica
For me, it’s a 2.5 out of 10.
Ova: Okay let’s take these figures and divide by the number of reviews/reviewers.
Overall, The Review Board awards “Terra’s Nite Out” a 1 out of 10 TRB Stars. Thank you for checking us out. Feel free to like, share and subscribe! Have a fantastic day!
Ova and Out!